Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
