I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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