i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight