they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
