It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
