dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize