there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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