Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
