i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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