Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
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I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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