you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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