remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
