Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
