This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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