was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
