Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
