He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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