Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
