decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
