My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
