I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
