it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
