I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
