Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
