Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
