My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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