Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
