I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Green mimosas i think yes
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Randomize