You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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