Redeem this text for a blowjob
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
