The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
