there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
