12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
