I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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