Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
bring money and cleavage
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
