Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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