My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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