Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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