Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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