I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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