I wish I could punch you in the face.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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