So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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