my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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