I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
