I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
