the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
