Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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