Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
