I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
