3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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