i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
