It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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