I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I wish you could order shots online.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
