I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
