I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
