you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
