someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She's the barista slut.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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