hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
