I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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